I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
