New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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