Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
