Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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