so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This is my gift to your gina
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
