Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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