I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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