I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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