I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
