Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
