theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
