im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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