He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
