I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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