Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
