I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Drunk is a universal language darling
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
