I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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