no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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