I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
