She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
