you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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