You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
