i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
