Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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