Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
