My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
