i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
barbara walters just said penis...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
