I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
