Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
that's an acceptable place to lick
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
