I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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