OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
