Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
