Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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