During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
