Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
