she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
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