...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
