If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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