it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My ATM looks so different sober.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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