Just fell off a train. Bad.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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