His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
