Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
