yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
