maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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