Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
