You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
