haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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