dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
