Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
