I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
