The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
