he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I wish you could order shots online.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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