i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
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He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
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I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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