you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
