everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
