okay pat passed out under dana's car
you win again, gameday.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
