remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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