I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
