My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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